Change of Heart

If someone would have told me a year ago I would be where I was at today I wouldn't have believed them. A year goes by so quickly in retrospect, but can change so much. Hell, even one day can change you. A year ago I lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Although we had gone our separate ways prior to him passing, we still maintained a friendship. Frank, was always someone that I could count on if I needed to clear my mind. The friendship and love never needed to be guarded. Getting a phone call telling me my first love and best friend passed away forever changed my life, for the better, in the worst possible way. Losing someone so important does something to you. It can either open your eyes, or make them want to shut. It drains you, it feeds you, it hurts you, it teaches you. I learned to find beauty in pain, and in the healing process. It brought up old wounds, so many raw unresolved emotions, some I didn't even realize were there. I didn't feel like I just lost anyone, I lost someone that taught me love, someone that gave me hope, someone that made me want to believe again, he was the first person to see me and love me for me. I lost a big part of who I was. At the time of the accident, I didn't think I could keep going, I didn't believe that I would feel anything again. I felt so heartbroken, torn, and filled with great regret. The what ifs became an everyday unbearable thought. The days dragged on feeling like months.

Over the course of the next few months everyday felt like an eternity and I just wished them away. I wanted it to just end, My friends tried to pull me out of my rut, my family would try to reason with me, nothing anyone could say or do would change me. I was so stuck on no longer existing that nothing else really seemed to matter. Overtime, I decided that the life I was choosing wasn't working for me, go figure. Who want's to be negative Nancy there whole life? My attitude was doing me and everyone around me nothing but a disservice. I packed up my thoughts, sealed my feelings for a bit and decided to volunteer at a music festival up in Joshua tree. I had clear intentions when I went. I meditated the night before on what my intentions were; I wanted to be more open and more loving, I wanted to connect with others again, I wanted to find peace, to feel free, and most importantly I wanted to feel alive again.

The first day upon arrival, I was so nervous.

It was about an hour drive down a narrow road into a dirt side of town. Once I got there I couldn't help but think; 'Why the hell did I sign up for this shit?' I didn't want to get out of my car, my nerves were like first day of school jitters. Once I finally got the courage to get out (aside from being lost trying to find my volunteer meet up spot) a sense of calm and peace overcame me when I walked in. There was good energy there. I met friends right away, everyone was so warm and welcoming. There was plenty of space, good music, and love in the air. By time the weekend was over I felt different. Everything I prayed for I got to experience. I'm so grateful for the experience, it gave me faith, and hope knowing that things could get better. Sometimes all you need is time, action, a clear heart, open mind and a good set of intentions. I started having more open experiences after that. I started learning to put my heart on the table. I stopped lying to myself about who I was and what I felt and I started being more open to anyone that would listen. I wasn't going to let this loss be in vain. I needed it to show me something, to teach me to be a better person.

I know how it feels to lose someone you love, I know how hard it is to find the courage to bounce back, but, I also know its possible. I may have not have experienced everything in my life that I wanted to, but I've seen so much progress internally in a span of a year. Sometimes all we need to do is take things day by day, slowly, slowly. We forget that things take time, and living in a fast pace environment it's easy to forget. Perception is also a window to reality. It's true what Lou Holtz says,

“Life is 10 percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.”

We can choose to change our life at any given second. Sure there are moments when I think of Frank and I get sad. I miss him being a part of my life, I miss our conversations. The simple things like hearing his voice. It's usually the small things in life that we take for granted, that turn into the biggest things that we end up missing most. It may sound strange but I don't see Frank as gone, I don't feel like he's ever left me, I just feel he's an energy form now. Sometimes I get random messages, signs, music, or just feeling energy. I see it as a gift from the universe, God whatever is out there. Although it's not the same I try to hold on to the beauty in that, instead of the pain.

It's been a rough journey, and sometimes I don't know why I was presented with it. Other times I realize God / Universe strengthens us in our obstacles. I know I was meant to be on this journey to heal and help others to grow and love. I believe that's what life is about. Time changes most things, but it can also help us grow into the people we want, if we allow it to. I'm grateful now for the experiences I've had for allowing myself to be more open to new possibility's that present themselves. Always remember nothing in life is for certain and death is apart of life. Remember to appreciate your life, and the lives around you. Do more of what makes you happy and be of service to others. In the end it's not what you have, but who you share life with and what you do with your time makes all the difference. Life presents us all with up and down battles, we are all in this together. It's energy we carry that brings us somewhere, share the loving kind.

Peace & Love, Always, Iman yazmin hernandez

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